Volume One, Chapter 63 She missed him so much. She truly could not resign herself to this...

Xu Zhi followed her parents home, dazed and disoriented. All the way, her thoughts circled around the realization that Liang Muzhi saw her that way. No wonder he once said that obedient girls were boring; he lived recklessly, always chasing adventure, and her temperament must indeed be dull to him.

But they had grown up together—for more than twenty years. For him to say such things about her in public, had he never considered how humiliating and awkward it would be for her? Or perhaps it was intentional; he had always found her disagreeable, believed she had hurt Chen Jing, and exposed his secrets.

She had to admit... if this was his retaliation, it worked.

Xu Heping had always thought she was useless, and now, with Liang Muzhi openly showing disdain and refusing her, she seemed worthless in their eyes.

She began to wonder if she truly was that awful—why did those closest to her dislike her so much?

As soon as they arrived home, Xu Heping and Zhao Nianqiao began arguing. Xu Heping accused Zhao Nianqiao of failing to push forward and secure Xu Zhi's marriage to Liang Muzhi at the crucial moment; Zhao Nianqiao retorted that Xu Heping was mad to think of selling his own daughter.

Xu Zhi quietly went upstairs to her room, closed the door, and lay down to sleep. She didn't go downstairs all afternoon.

When evening came, Xu Zhi awoke feeling miserable—her head heavy, her muscles aching.

She had forgotten to take her cold medicine.

Lying in bed, dizzy and sluggish, she knew she must have a fever, but made no move to find the medicine.

Zhao Nianqiao brought up a tray of food, knocked, and entered. Seeing Xu Zhi listlessly on the bed, she set down the meal and came over.

"Muzhi is spoiled, you know that. Don't take his words to heart; it'll only make you angry..." Zhao Nianqiao trailed off, noticing Xu Zhi's flushed cheeks, and reached out to touch her forehead. "What's wrong? Have you got a fever?"

Xu Zhi’s forehead was burning hot, her breath weak. "I think so."

"It's definitely a fever! You're so hot. I'll get you some medicine," Zhao Nianqiao said.

"I have some," Xu Zhi replied. "I'll take it soon."

"You already had a cold before?"

Xu Zhi murmured an affirmation.

"Where’s the medicine? Let me bring it over," Zhao Nianqiao said.

Xu Zhi pointed to a paper bag on the desk.

Zhao Nianqiao fetched the medicine and poured water for her. Xu Zhi swallowed the pills and lay back down.

Zhao Nianqiao stayed, sitting at the edge of the bed with a sigh. "Are you still upset because of what Muzhi said? That boy—he never thinks before he speaks. I thought you two were inseparable and got along well, but I never expected he saw you like this."

"He likes girls like Chen Jing," Xu Zhi said, a strange smile flickering across her face. "I told Dad about him and Chen Jing so he'd give up on the idea, but instead it helped Dad. Now Uncle Liang actually wants me to marry Liang Muzhi."

Zhao Nianqiao was taken aback.

She sensed, keenly, that Xu Zhi was different from usual.

"But because I let it slip, Liang Muzhi hates me even more," Xu Zhi continued. "If we really get married, I can already imagine how it will be. Dad knows too, but he doesn’t care. Sometimes I think..." She turned her face to Zhao Nianqiao, eyes sharp. "Mom, you were right. If only I’d never been born."

A stab of pain pierced Zhao Nianqiao’s chest, her face paling.

It was, indeed, something she had once said to Xu Zhi.

Those years after her second pregnancy ended in miscarriage, Xu Heping spent his days berating her. She drank herbal medicine daily, worshipped fertility deities, yet could not conceive again; the pressure mounted. Xu Zhi was still young then, clinging to her mother, but Zhao Nianqiao found her daughter irritating.

If only she were a son, she thought, Xu Heping wouldn't keep finding fault, she wouldn't have to drink medicine or chase remedies.

She thought this more than once.

So when Xu Zhi came near, she was often scolded.

Sometimes, when she couldn’t win an argument with Xu Heping, she vented her anger on the small Xu Zhi. Once, Xu Zhi helped a servant bring her herbal medicine after a quarrel with Xu Heping. Seeing her daughter approach, Zhao Nianqiao’s temper flared.

She swept her hand, knocking the bowl from Xu Zhi’s grasp. It shattered, hot liquid splashing onto Xu Zhi’s bare legs—she cried out and stumbled back.

"Do you know what this medicine is for?" Zhao Nianqiao asked.

Xu Zhi shook her head, bewildered, tears welling from the pain.

Zhao Nianqiao wanted to explain it was for regulating hormones and aiding fertility, but how could Xu Zhi understand? She was too young.

Faced with a child who understood nothing, she had nowhere to vent her frustration. "Why are you interfering? Why did I give birth to you... If only you were a boy, I wouldn’t have to suffer... If only you’d never been born."

Little Xu Zhi's face turned pale, tears brimming in her eyes—confused, hurt.

After that, she stopped clinging to Zhao Nianqiao, afraid of being scolded.

But back then, she still held hope. She learned to be obedient, always doing as told, never contradicting her elders, fading into the background—even when reprimanded, she only bowed her head and cried quietly.

It was her way of surviving in this family.

Zhao Nianqiao, after all, was her mother. She did feel some pity for her daughter, but the ordeal of childbirth had left her embittered, with no one to turn to.

After a pause, she finally said, "Zhi, sometimes, fate... is really hard to control. I tried, but some things just aren’t possible. I know you resent me and your father, but resentment changes nothing. Do you understand? Dwelling on the past is pointless."

Xu Zhi closed her eyes, warmth flooding her lashes.

That was all Zhao Nianqiao could offer her. She would seek her out and speak gently, but whenever the past was mentioned, Zhao Nianqiao would urge her to let it go.

As if her suffering was trivial.

Zhao Nianqiao could never truly comfort her. She was her mother, perhaps loved her a little, but not enough, never enough to empathize with her pain.

"Still, I hope you’ll have a good life," Zhao Nianqiao said again. "So, about marrying Muzhi—it's up to you. With his temperament, even married, he’ll stir chaos. I’m really tired of all the fighting."

Xu Zhi drew a deep breath. "Mom, can I go study abroad?"

She asked tentatively.

Zhao Nianqiao was startled.

"I want to further my studies overseas," Xu Zhi opened her eyes and looked at her. "Would you support me?"

Xu Heping certainly wouldn’t; Zhao Nianqiao was the only one she could turn to.

This time, Zhao Nianqiao was silent for even longer.

Xu Zhi’s heart sank by degrees.

At last, Zhao Nianqiao said, "Zhi, actually... our house has already been mortgaged."

Xu Zhi was stunned.

"That loan was invested in a project early last year, but it didn’t pay off," Zhao Nianqiao explained. "The company is completely insolvent now. Not only me—your father probably doesn’t have enough for you to study abroad... Our family is basically an empty shell."

Her tone grew desolate. "It’s not that I don’t want to support you; we really don’t have the money."

Xu Zhi had not realized their situation was so dire. She asked, "If we can’t pay it back, what happens?"

Zhao Nianqiao lowered her eyes. "The bank will take the house. Your father’s doing everything to keep it—it’s our family’s dignity. But if funding doesn’t come through, not even dignity can be preserved. That’s why he’s desperate, resorting to anything, insisting you marry Muzhi. With the Liang family as in-laws, negotiations with the bank would be easier."

Though her fever burned, Xu Zhi felt a chill along her spine. She asked, "If... the house is taken, where will we go?"

"I don’t know," Zhao Nianqiao replied with a bitter smile. "I don’t dare think about the future."

Xu Zhi had no appetite; in the end, Zhao Nianqiao took the untouched meal away.

The room returned to silence. Xu Zhi curled up on her bed, small as a child, utterly devoid of security.

Perhaps she should consent to the marriage, she thought for a moment. It would be a way to repay her parents for raising her.

From childhood, she had been taught to be filial, her bones branded with the lesson never to abandon her parents. Now, the only solution before her was to marry Liang Muzhi.

But most of all, she felt unwilling. She thought of Liang Jinmo.

She remembered that night, how he hurried out to buy her medicine, and even after she fell asleep, he stayed by her side, never leaving.

No one had ever watched over her like that. Zhao Nianqiao only ever brought her medicine.

Thinking of this, her tears finally spilled.

She missed him so much. She was so unwilling...