Chapter Ninety-Four: Mocking the Greedy, Ruthless Petty Graspers!

After Li Yi returned home, he ate with his family and chatted about a few matters. Naturally, none of it had anything to do with visiting a pleasure house. The Li family was, after all, a house of officials and knew very well what rules were to be observed. For that reason, the family never asked questions about the political affairs of Li Jing and Li Yi. Of course, there were not many people in the family to ask in the first place.

After the meal, Li Yi stayed a while longer to talk with Lady Hongfu, then went with Bingyu to the Jiang Estate. These past few days, though Li Yi had been busy, he had never relaxed his training of the little devils. This would be his greatest trump card for a long time to come, and he could not afford the least carelessness. Aside from the assassination attempt the previous night, he had in fact been sleeping at the Jiang Estate these days. When he entered the estate, the little devils had also just finished dinner, so after making them exercise a little, Li Yi began that day’s evening lesson.

“Today we’ll still be discussing armed infiltration and disguised reconnaissance. Before the lecture, let’s begin with a practical exercise. Suppose Recruit One receives an order from above to lead a squad deep into the enemy camp and determine what is really going on. What would you need to know in advance, and what would you need to prepare? Who wants to try?”

The next day, after morning drills with the rookies, Li Yi handed the day’s training assignment to Jiang Lichen and Chang Dong. These days, that was how he always did it: the night before, he would first give the next day’s tasks to the two of them, and then the following day they would lead the little devils through training. Li Yi was not worried that they might slack off. He believed not only in Chang Dong’s loyalty and Jiang Lichen’s integrity, but also in those little devils themselves. To have walked this far despite an uncertain future proved that each of them possessed, at the very least, the heart of a strong man. And a strong man is never allowed to be lazy.

That morning, after meeting up with Li Ke and Cheng Chumo, Li Yi headed straight to Xiaoxiang Pavilion. His attitude this time was completely different from the last. The previous visit had only been a reconnaissance; this one was the real thing.

As soon as the three of them entered, they were greeted once again by Ugly Auntie. She was still the same as yesterday: the same figure, the same face, the same attitude. She smiled in welcome, sincere and unhurried, with not the slightest hint of perfunctoriness, as though she had completely forgotten everything from the day before.

“Well now! Three honored guests, and such early birds too! Come, come, this way! This time, you’re headed straight for the inner hall, I assume?”

Looking at the beaming Ugly Auntie, Li Yi could only marvel. They always said a woman’s heart was as deep and hidden as a needle at the bottom of the sea, and the ancients had truly not lied. Here was the ancients themselves giving a living lesson. Impressive! Hm? What was that smell? Damn it, a woman who looked like that still wore face powder? Hm? A strangely familiar scent.

Seeing Li Yi lost in thought, Li Ke stepped forward to answer for him. To be honest, he was even a little afraid that Li Yi would open his mouth himself. The man was far too good at making trouble. “That’s right, Ugly Auntie. Just take us directly to the inner hall.”

Ugly Auntie gave Li Yi a meaningful glance, then smiled and said, “Very well. Follow me, honored guests.”

Soon afterward, she led the three of them to a door. Li Yi looked up at it and glanced around, only to discover that it was actually the entrance to a room, and a locked one at that. What was Ugly Auntie bringing them here for?

She did not step forward to open the lock. Instead, she ordered servants to carry over a table with brush, ink, paper, and inkstone, the very same arrangement as yesterday, and there was still a folding fan as well.

Only after everything had been set in place did Ugly Auntie turn and say, “Ahem. Honored guests, I’m sure you all know the rules of Xiaoxiang Pavilion. Everyone who enters must leave behind some calligraphy or verse. After all, we cannot just let anyone in. If some brute came barging in and ruined the mood of our guests, that would be our fault. Your Highness and Young Lord Cheng are both regulars here, so there is no need to test you. But this is Li Gongzi’s first visit. We all know his reputation and certainly trust his talent, but the necessary procedure still has to be followed.”

Hearing this, Li Ke was about to step forward and stop her. In his heart, he was also cursing Ugly Auntie for being so lacking in tact. Why not just let him in? Why make such a fuss over procedure? If Li Yi were truly provoked, and he did something outrageous, the whole matter would end up blown wide open, and no one would come away looking good.

But Li Ke was clearly worrying too much. The smile on Li Yi’s face never faded in the slightest, and he showed no sign of wanting to cause a scene. He raised a hand to stop Li Ke from speaking and stepped forward himself.

“Hahaha, what Ugly Auntie says is quite reasonable. Rules are rules, and they must be observed. Isn’t it just a poem? It’s not as if it were something valuable. Since Ugly Auntie likes it, I’ll write one. Are there any requirements?”

After hearing Li Yi, a flicker of surprise crossed Ugly Auntie’s eyes. Even Li Ke and Cheng Chumo looked astonished. Was this still the same arrogant Li Yi from yesterday?

After her brief moment of surprise, Ugly Auntie recovered her smile. “Hehe, there are no requirements. Li Gongzi may write whatever he likes!”

Li Yi gave a strange little smile. “Write whatever I like? Then I shan’t hold back.”

He picked up the brush, and once again elegant running script flowed across the fan.

After finishing the front, he did not stop. He turned it over and continued writing in formal script on the reverse.

Then the brush fell, the poem ended, and it was all completed in one continuous breath. That speed had absolutely surpassed Cao Zhi’s famed seven-step poem.

Ugly Auntie had been waiting with delight for Li Yi’s work. Though she had failed to get yesterday’s poem, and though Li Yi had made her lose face yesterday, none of that diminished her anticipation. Others might not understand, but she knew her own heart: she had long been curious about Li Yi’s poetry, and about the man himself.

Yet when she finished reading the poem, her expression turned utterly ugly.

On the front of the fan, Li Yi had written:

To pry mud from a swallow’s beak,
To shape a needle’s point to cut through iron,
To scrape gold from a Buddha’s face and search for it inch by inch,
To seek what does not exist and force it into being.
To hunt for peas in a quail’s crop,
To split tender meat from a heron’s leg,
To carve fat from a mosquito’s belly—
What a dirty old family thief to put his hand to work!

It was a lyric known as “Drunken Peace: Plucking Mud from a Swallow’s Beak,” written specifically to sneer at the greedy and ridicule the repulsive face of the insatiable. In his previous life, this piece had been included in Li Kaixian’s A Laughing Anthology from the Ming dynasty, under the title “Mocking the Greedy and Vicious Little Graspers.”

But this was the early Tang. Tang poetry had not yet risen to prominence, let alone Song lyrics, and especially not a satirical lyric like this one. Ugly Auntie and the others had never even heard of it. After reading it, Ugly Auntie was so angry that her features seemed to crumple together. This bastard had managed to insult people with such artistry. Did Xiaoxiang Pavilion steal his wife or rob his house? Did he really have to go this far? And to write a poem just to curse someone with, when he was supposedly a man of letters? What a disgrace to the cultured!

Of course, Ugly Auntie could only say such things to herself. She could never say them aloud, or the matter would truly become impossible to resolve. In truth, this whole affair was also her own fault. Who told her to make things difficult for Li Yi in the first place? Just as the poem said: so greedy, so relentless, that even an old house thief had to take action.

Ugly Auntie stamped her foot in fury, then could no longer resist and turned the fan over. But the moment she saw the writing on the other side, she was completely driven mad.

Li Ke and Cheng Chumo, seeing Ugly Auntie’s dazed expression, were also overcome with curiosity. They stepped forward to take a look, and the next instant both of them burst out laughing. Only then did they finally realize: Li Yi was still that same shameless scoundrel.

On the reverse side of the fan, written in upright, forceful regular script, were the words:

A tree that does not need bark is certain to die.
A person who knows no shame is invincible under heaven.